Wake up bright and early...mostly to get in on the free breakfast our hostel provided. Cereal and a croissant….hmm I NEVER have that in Paris. Urgh. Anyway, next up our FREE TOUR OF LONDON. Europeans are doing this crazy thing where every major city gives a FREE WALKING TOUR and our guide was actually legit. George was the most adorable British tour guide who made history fun! (Well, I ALWAYS think it’s fun).
There's George, telling one of his many amazing stories on our tour.
Isn't he a gem?First stop: Buckingham Palace for the changing of the guards (well sort of, we couldn't actually see anything)
FUN FACTS from GEORGE:
The B-Palace has been broken into quite a bit, most recently under Elizabeth II (the current queen). A drunk Irish man somehow stumbled over the palace walls (I have super human strength when I drink too)...and he set off SO MANY alarms they assumed the system was malfunctioning. He wandered through the palace, ate the corgi’s breakfast (meat sliced on the counter), drank some wine, then went to chat it up with Queen Mum. She calmly woke up to this stranger in her bed and talked to him until she was able to casually call her footman. Her security button didn’t work because they’d shut off the security system when the guy broke in! Since then, security has been figured out and it’s now illegal to break into Buckingham palace. Before it technically illegal so they couldn’t charge him for anything! Eventually they settled on stealing palace property (the dog’s breakfast and the wine) but he did two weeks in jail and was sent back to Ireland
Next, William and Harry’s abode and some pretty parks.
Fearless guards of the Prince's Palace:
FF from George: You used to be able to get up close and mess with the guards, but some cheeky tourist decided to make a run for it aaand got rugby tackled. Now there's a rope dividing the gawkers from the guarders.Nell Gwyne’s house: one of the many famous whores of King Charles II.
FF from GEORGE:
She was LOVED by the British people because she was British and protestant, unlike his other whores who were Catholic and French. Her carriage was mobbed and the people thought she was a Catholic wench, she stuck her head out the window, revealing her identity and saved her life by putting her head out of the coach window, "Good people", she said, smiling, "you are mistaken; I am the Protestant whore”
Wandered down to statues of Florence Nightingale, lovely woman to thank for sanitation measures (she should woulda been disgusted by out hostel), and the modern day Gentleman’s Clubs. No not strip bars, but actual places people pay THOUSANDS of pounds to every month to keep their membership. Talk about VIP.
Next, Trafalgar Square again
FF FROM GEORGE:
There are a series of monuments with kings on them, but one king was left off because he was the king who commissioned the statues and put the England in debt because of this project. So now it’s just a big base of a stone with nothing on top. Britain decided to make it a modern art type dealio, so every day until October for one hour a different person does something on that block. ANYONE can apply and do ANYTHING they want as long as it’s legal. Sounds cool right? Apparently most people only have material for 20 minutes and the most exciting part is watching them squirm for another 40. Still time slots available if you’re interested!
George then fearlessly led us to Winston Churchill’s memorial. Abraham Lincoln’s memorial (Ya, you heard me right), Westminster Abbey, Big Ben – the tower is actually called St. James, the BELL is Big Ben named after the large bell shaped man named Ben who designed it, and finally Parliament.
Westminster Abbey:
Parliament:
FF from GEORGE: it’s ILLEGAL to die in Parliament. If you do die there you have to be given a state’s funeral (expensive and time consuming) so nobody is pronounced dead unless outside of the Parliament walls, even today! Apparently there are some really old people in there so this happens more than you think.
Pretty view along the way...
Concluding FUN FACT FROM GEORGE:
The thrilling tale of the Catholics who plotted to blow up Parliament on the ONE day of the year everyone was packed inside. It was a long twisted tale that ALMOST happened, but the perpetrators were caught…and tortured publicly for their crimes. They were hanged ALMOST to the point of death, then sliced in their abdomens until their guts fell out, their genitals were cut off and burned in front of them (and while by now most were dead) the final move was cutting out the heart and displaying it to the crowd. Their bodies were dismembered and displayed on the bridge over the entrance to London as a sign to everyone who entered “Go ahead, try and overthrow the government….”
He even taught us the ryhme little British school children learn when they are in 1st grade. Like our Yankee Doodle...but morbid. and I forgot it. Sorry.
Obviously now, we’re starving. FISH AND CHIPS courtesy of George!
We finished the afternoon with a jaunt to King's Cross Station and the epic PLATFORM 9 3/4!!! As much as I pushed, shoved, and tried flicking my wand I couldn't get through. I think I made one of the little kids who was waiting cry, but eff him. I wanted to get to Hogwarts. I decided there were too many muggles around for it to be safe for me to get through the barrier. Next time though...
Our tour was exhausting, so we decided to rest, shower and take a London PUB CRAWL with our hostel. GET EXCITED.
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